dansing chef
Cold Pasta for
Disorganised Situations
Sometimes, you gotta cook something, but you don’t know what time your guests are going to come, or how many, or even if they’ll show up at all. And that’s when you need to know about “Cold Pasta for Disorganised Situations”.

It’s a cold pasta with tinned tuna and it’s ideal for any disorganised situation because it can be made in advance, it’s cheap, and, if the situation that you initially made it for doesn’t materialise - no problem cos it’ll keep for a couple of days in the fridge.
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  • Pasta - Penne tube shapes work best.
  • Tuna - the tinned sort (get the sort that’s tinned in oil, not salty water)
  • Bell pepper(s) - try to use different colours if you’re making lots of this stuff
  • Mayonnaise - it’s white and it usually comes in a jar
  • Spring onions
  • Fresh Basil leaves (optional)
  • Tinned anchovies (optional)
  • Oil, for frying
Long beforehand, cook the pasta for as long as it says on the packet. Drain it. Let it cool. Cover it and put it in the fridge until you’re going to use it (this can be done at least 12 hours before you need it.

Slice the bell pepper lengthways into strips about 4mm wide. Remove the seeds. Lightly fry these pepper strips in oil (olive oil is best) over a low heat until they’ve gone soft. Don’t burn them. When they’re soft, remove from the heat and let them go cold. Again, this can be done at least 12 hours before you need them. Use about half a bell pepper per person.

And that’s the end of the cookery. The rest is basically just stirring together and we like using our handies so wash ‘em well and, in a big bowl, mix up ....

The cooked cold pasta (use your common sense to work out how much pasta each person will eat)!


The cooked strips of bell peppers (as already mentioned, about half a pepper per person should be enough)

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Tinned tuna. Open the can & drain away the oil. Reckon on a drained weight of about 50g per person. (That’s one of the very small tuna tins)


Spring onions. 3 per person should be enough. Wash ‘em, remove the rooty bits and the greeny tops then chop the whitish stalks into small pieces.

Mayonnaise. Go very easy on this. Carefully add just enough so that everything is slightly coated with mayo. If you add too much the whole thing just goes gunky. Stir as you add.


Tinned anchovies (Optional). You could add a pinch of salt instead but, if you can afford them, anchovies will give your “Cold Pasta for Disorganised Situations” a real zingy-fishy taste. Chop them roughly into a few small pieces and mix them into the bowl. Two and a half anchovies per person should be plenty.
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Basil. Use fresh basil leaves, not the dried stuff - you don’t need much so this could be an opportunity to buy a potted basil plant from the supermarket and to keep growing it after you’ve picked what you need. Four leaves per person should be enough. Roughly chop ‘em & mix ‘em in.

By now you should have a big bowl of colourful sticky, fishy pasta stuff that smells of basil and tastes delicious.
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If you’ve included anchovies, you’ll find that, every so often when you eat it, you suddenly get a surprise anchovy mouthful. Yum! When you guests want second helpings, just send them to the fridge to serve themselves. If your guests are late, no problem because Cold Pasta For Disorganised Situations will keep on standby for ages. If your guests don’t show up - damn the ungrateful B*****ds ... you’ll be eating “Cold Pasta for Disorganised Situations” for days - but you won’t be too disappointed because it tastes very good.