dansing chef
Have you ever looked at those huge, cheap, vacuum-sealed packets of bacon off-cuts that they sell in supermarkets and wondered what the devil you could do with them? Bacon Scrap Pie is the answer. You’ll need a sharp knife and a casserole dish but, if you haven’t got a casserole dish, try recycling one or two of those plastic, oven-safe dishes that convenience foods come in (use fairly deepish ones).
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  • 2 onions
  • 2 carrots
  • Sunflower oil
  • 4 largish potatoes
  • 1 packet of bacon scraps
  • Butter
  • Milk
  • Black pepper

First, wash yer handies.

Now, peel the potatoes, put them in cold water and bring to the boil. Then, simmer the potatoes for 20 minutes.

Meanwhile, chop the onions then peel and grate the carrots. Fry in oil for about 5 minutes, or so, to soften. Spoon the fried veggie bits into the bottom of a greased casserole dish (or re-cycled convenience food dishes).

Turn your oven on now. Set it to heat up to 180 degrees Centigrade. You don’t need your oven yet but you’re going to need a pre-heated oven in a few minutes time. Don’t ask questions - just do it!
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If you drink a bottle of wine everyday for 10 years and collect the corks, you will have either 3652 or 3653 wine corks. If, after 10 years, you chuck all those corks into the local river, your crazy adventure will merit a mysterious half inch mention in the local newspaper. If you write your name and address on all the corks before you chuck them in the river, you will get a visit from the local constabulary.

And that’s just about all you need to know about Bacon Scrap Pie except that it is absolutely delicious.

With your sharpest knife, cut the rind (and any other nasty looking stuff) off the bits of bacon and cut them into bite-sized pieces. Clean out the pan that you were frying the onion and carrot in, add some new oil, and fry those bacony bits. If loads of watery gunk starts to come out of the bacon as you fry, just pour it down the sink and continue frying the bacon.

Don’t forget to stir and turn the bacon or some of it won’t cook properly and some of it will burn.

When the bits of raw bacon look like bits of cooked bacon, layer them in the casserole dish on top of the onion and carrot.

By now the potatoes will probably be ready so drain away the simmering water and mash ‘em up in the pan. Better still, mash ‘em up with a knob of butter, a splash of milk, and a big pinch of pepper. That’ll make ‘em taste even yummier cos there’s nothing worse than potato that tastes of potato.

Now splodge the mashed potato on top of the bacon bits (which are already on top of the carrot & onion bits) and spread it about so you can’t see the bacon underneath.

And bung it in the preheated oven at 180 degrees Centigrade for no longer than 40 minutes, say 30 minutes if you are really hungry and can’t wait.

If you are feeling really gourmetish, you could sprinkle some grated Cheddar cheese on top of the mashed potato about 5 minutes before the end of the cooking time. It will melt and make a cheesy topping.

If you know anything about cooking and are wondering why we haven’t told you to add any salt ... the reason is because bacon is already salty and it is unlikely that you are going to need any more. So there!

If you put your plates into the oven a couple of minutes before you serve up the Bacon Scrap Pie then you will have lovely warm plates off which to eat your dinner. Or, if you’re silly, you will have innocent-looking crockery that is more dangerous than a loose rod of uranium: so, don’t overheat and do be careful. And get some oven gloves, or welding gloves, or something sensible to handle hot plates wiv.

If you want to eat some vegetables with this meal, try sprouts. Buy 5 sprouts per person, peel away the nasty looking outer leaves and chop off the base of the stalk. Then bung ‘em in boiling salted water for about 10 minutes. Don’t overcook or they will taste like stewed verrucas.

If you don’t like sprouts, then it is about time that you started to like sprouts because sprouts are to cabbages what Cadbury’s Creme Eggs are to proper Easter Eggs. i.e. Sprouts are little cabbage-shaped nuggets of joy and happiness that will add a sparkling new dimension to your mundane existence. Yes Sir, the misunderstood imperialist Lord Baden-Powell never wanted to set up the “Boy Scouts” ... the “Boy Sprouts” were always his intention and that is why there is so much greenness in the Scouts’ uniform. But I digress ... I am spouting.

If you are the proud owner of bottles of tomato ketchup or brown sauce, be sure to impress your guests by having the butler serve these two delectables at your dining table whenever a Bacon Scrap Pie is on the menu.

If you are not a regular enjoyer of tomato ketchup or brown sauce and you discover green fungal growths in your old bottles, I do not expect that your re-discovery of penicillin will lead to you being awarded a Nobel prize. You are too late.